…and the story goes…

How ironic.

Among most western nations, although they vote for equality and say no for racism, some of them think that we are "stupid Asians".

Even among the Asian nations, although we have the same hair colour and (slightly) similar culture, some of them call us "barbarian monkeys" and "bloody stinky Indon".

Astaghfirullahal’adziiim…

Are we that low…???

Dear, My Lord…

Even if we are that low in their perspectives, please never let us drown, and guide us to the place where we believe that nothing is really matter but being special in Your perspective…

Amin…

- Dedicated to my beloved nation: the Indonesian -

Last Saturday I was all alone, waiting for boarding in Gate 25 Adelaide Airport. Suddenly people disembarking from the plane I was waiting for rushed in. For an instance, they were welcome by family, siblings and friends who were waiting for their arrivals, leaving me in a cold stone. I was standing still for a moment, looking at the scene where people welcoming, smiling and hugging each other happily, until I realized that there were tears in each corner of my eyes.

The scene reminded me of something I watched on TV recently, an investigation of the DC 10 American Airline airplane crash in Illinois (1979), which left its 271 passengers and 2 people on the ground died just within 30 seconds after they took off. It was investigated that the plane crashed the ground (a Trailer Park) after its left engine fell off because of misconduct in its maintenance procedure.

If only the maintenance crew of the American Airline saw those smiles that I saw…

If only they realized how their works were closely related to million lives of their passengers…

If only all flight companies really saw the happiness that I saw…

There would not be a single crash…ever…

What? Do you think I’m going to talk about one of those sophisticated gadgets that have become part of life style for some people, Personal Digital Assistant??? Nope. You’re totally wrong. Cause what I meant by PDA here is "Public Display of Affection", one of new "culture" I find in here, in Oz.

On the streets, in the parks, in the malls, on the trams, in all public places, here, there, everywhere, you can always find people hugging, kissing, carressing, even making out without worrying too much that they "exhibit" their way of expressing their love - affection might sound quite right, though.

Nothing’s wrong with that…it’s just…it does make me feel a little bit jealous…hihihihihi…

Aaaaaargh…it’s still 3 months to go to my husband’s visit…*sigh*… ;p

In my every single stage of life, there are people who don’t like me.

Some of them do it for some reasons — I do apologize if it is bothering you for being just who I am.

Some of them do it for no reasons at all — I do hope that there would be a chance for you to know me better.

And I can only say Alhamdulillah…

I thought it was yesterday that we walked that path with our bare feet and folded hands…

I felt it was last night that we talked through the night and sang our songs…

I guess it was this morning that we laughed for silly things we’ve done and cried for precious moments we’ve shared…

But here we are, in this 2008, when I should realize that we’ve been this far in filling up our story book pages…

To my dearest friends:

Dini - Fifi - Arina - Menik - Mirza - Septy - Anggun

I’m sorry for not being there when you start the new beginning within the next few seconds…

I’m thousand miles away to wish you a very happy journey…

My prayer will always be with you and your (soon) marriages…

And hope that our story book has not met its last page yet…

Love you all…

=Septi=

===========================================

When you feel as if it’s enough, S T O P.

Take a rest before taking another step forward.

It won’t make you failed, anyway.

The biggest failure is when you stop, turn around, and go backward.

===========================================

Quoted from my beloved husband,

-Dicky Jatnika-

Yesterday I watched "Why Did I Get Married", one of the greatest drama movie I have ever seen. Not because of the actors or the actresses, but it is more because of the lessons I’ve got.

In this movie, Janet Jackson plays the key role as a nobled writer who observed her own bestfriends’ marriages, and even her own marriage, to discover the sensible reasons for people to survive in their marriages.

Nothing really special with the plot. Many bumps, fights, and disagreements between husbands and wives were shown up in most scenes. Not to mention that they were caused by a very simple little thing, but the interesting fact is that this is what most likely to happen in the real life. Many couples have to face problems caused by their children, the wives’ big mouth, the husbands’ behaviours, their own unwillingness to accept their partners as the way they are, even the existence of the tempter or temptress. (Hmm…now I thank God for granting me such a good, wise, and loyal husband…hehehe…)

What I learnt from those scenes is very simple, actually: that there will never be enough reasons for us to hold on to our marriages if there is no willingness to understand when the right times to take and when the right times to give. We should also remember that sometimes love should be supported by trust and respect. Sounds cliche, huh…? But that is how it works.

Another interesting thing in this movie was that one thing called 80:20 rule in every marriage life. This rule states that in every marriage, people must have given 20% of their hearts to another person besides their partners. However, uniquely, in most cases no one can ever replace the partner, the 80%, no matter how tempting the 20% is. Hmm…is it true…?

Well…if that happens to my marriage life, I can only hope and pray that God would lead the way so that my husband and I would never be blind to determine who the real 80% is…hehehe…*sigh*…

What do you have in mind when you read the tittle of this post? Another drama from me, the drama queen? Hehe…sorry guys, but this time I’ll disappoint you since what I’m going to write here is much further than just a drama.

I got the idea when I looked at one of my friend’s Friendster profile. Not necessarily discussing who he is, where he is, what he’s doing or blah…blah…blah…, what has bothered me the most is his statement about his own life.

I know he’s been through so many bad times, even the worst, ever. He’s been involved in an undesired job, unexpected surroundings, inconvenient environment, until he feels like he’s been trapped in what so called "unwanted journey".

Then suddenly I really want to look back at my own journey. I’ve been through so many ups and downs, too. Being public enemy, got fired, brokenhearted so many times, had to work in Papua, living separated from my beloved husband, family, and friends, even being an unwanted household in my own uncle’s house, I’ve been through all of these. But then, hey, there must be a reason why I should experience those things…Have you ever thought that you are meant to be like that…? ‘Cause I think so…

I know sometimes it’s difficult to see the best part of something unwanted. But we should remember one thing, that our lives are in God’s hand actually…Sometimes we think that we really know what’s best for us, that we’re good at this, we’re meant to be like that, we’re supposed to have this, and blah…blah…blah…but hey, something we think the best sometimes is not that best in God’s perspective…

Just like what I’ve said before, there must be a reason why we’re experiencing these A-Z phases of life. For me, despite the fact that I could be stronger, at least I could learn to be grateful…

Thanks, God…

Hi, there…I’m back with some words, though it’s much like the expression of my feelings right now…Hmmm…sounds like more drama…This is because soon after I relieved from some parts of those f**king assignments I started to feel that this is the time to pay much attention to my own self…

Let me ask you one thing…Happiness, excitements, fears, enjoyments, amusements, and even tears, have you ever felt that you’re the one who should bear all of these…? Cause I have…and it sucks…Knowing that I have those feelings but I don’t even know whether I should have them or not…

This is about me, myself and I. I’ve been a bit pathetic lately…playing around…messing up in the same old games…and don’t care what will happen to my own life…and even worse, don’t even think about others’ lives…But now I should start to think what’s best for me…and for those people who love me…

I start to feel that I should quit…but don’t know how…even it seems too late to realize that it’s wrong…cause I’ve been drowned…so deep that I can’t even help myself…

Oh my dear Lord…please show me the way…

It’s been a month since I came here, in Melbourne. There’s quite a lot nof new things I’ve seen and experienced since then. Hmm…not intentionally comparing this lively city with Jakarta or any other city in my home country, but I think what I’m going to write here is just worth enough to be shared. Let’s just find out.

Public Transportation System

Melbourne has been known for its effective mass transportation system which links all parts of the city. There are trams, trains, and buses as means of transportation, and interestingly, we only need one card to use them all! The card is called ‘Metcard’, and we can choose whether we want to buy daily, weekly, or monthly card. It really depends on our needs. And here everything is scheduled. We can see the public transportation’s schedule online by visiting the ‘Metlink’ website, so that we can make a plan for our journey and arrive on time. From those 3 means of transportation, I think trams are the most favorite one. These trams are run by electricity, that’s why they don’t emit pollution. Besides, people in this city really like to use this public facility effectively. We can see people from different social class groups prefer to use these trams rather than driving their own cars. It’s really different from Jakarta, where the ‘car image’ still exists, where people are showing off that they can afford a car…In fact, they’re just stealing our rights to breathe fresh air! What a shame…

Multicultural Society

Another interesting thing is that Melbourne is a place where people from more than 20 different cultural backgrounds mixed and mingled in harmony. If we are on a tram, we shouldn’t be surprised if there are 5 groups of people talking in 5 different languages. That’s Melbourne! Very multicultural. And if you are an Asian, you shouldn’t be lonely because there are lots of Asians here. So, you don’t have to worry, you can find Asian food restaurants everywhere, they’re just right in the corners. However, the most interesting part of this multicultural society is that people respect each other. They live in harmony and just accept others as the way they are…One thing that should be learnt by many Indonesians nowadays…

Public Facilities for Disabled People

In Melbourne, most public facilities provide spaces for disabled people. On public transportations, on pedestrian walks, in the malls, even in public toilets, disabled people are given priority to have spesial designed facilities that may suit them. They don’t have to worry to go anywhere they want, or to have any difficulty, because the government has given a lot of attentions to facilitate them.

Do-It-Yourself Things

Another new culture that I’ve experienced is these do-it-yourself things. For me, as an Indonesian who sometimes relies on collaboration, cooperation, and helps from others, it’s quite surprising that in here I should be able to manage all the things by myself. Even when I bought furnitures, there’s a self-service furniture store where I should lift all the stuffs up by myself! Luckily I went there with several friends so that they can help me to lift the stuffs up, hehehe…But, one thing is for sure, most people here are task-oriented. They interact with others only to complete their tasks. It’s very rare to see people who spend hours only to chitchat with somebody they’ve just met. But, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to help others. If we ask for help nicely, of course they wouldn’t mind.

Informally Formal

The last thing I want to share is about the way people act and communicate with their colleagues. In Indonesia, it’s usual to call people who are older or have higher position than us with several respectful salutations, e.g: Pak, Bu, etc. But in here, there’s a culture called ‘informally formal’, where people may call others only by their first name, even they are older or have higher position than us. However, it doesn’t mean that we can act as normally as when we communicate with our friends. Still, there’s a rule: respect. So, it would be better if we call people that we’ve just met with salutations, e.g: Miss, Mr, Prof, etc. But, if they tell you to call them by their first name, they really mean it. Also, in the way people communicate, most people talk in a friendly way, they don’t want to make it too formal so that we can chat as if we’re friends. But still, we have to put our feet on the right place. Don’t be too informal and make impression as if we’re rude or disrespecting others. Besides salutations and the way people communicate, this ‘informally formal’ culture is also related to the way people dress. I’m really glad to find that I can even wear tanktop to Uni No…kidding…I never do that. But it’s true, if we really want to, we can go studying with only wearing short pants and tanktop. As long as we feel comfortable with that, it’s just okay. And of course, there would be extreme temptations for you, guys, especially when you visit Melbourne in summer

So…enough for my new discovery for today…Hope that it would be useful for opening a window to a new world…One day when I’ve found out more, I’d be glad to share with you again, okay?!

After all those times I’ve been overwhelmed with my own world, complete with so much joy, happiness, laughter, and even tears, now here I am…I’m back…!!!

Time goes by, and I’m still the same old me, despite the fact that I’ve found someone to share my life with, my precious, my beloved husband. I’ve learned a lot from him and I’m glad to find that he’s the love of my life. Yes, this is it…

I know it’s not easy to be me or him, us. Even from the start, we should be apart for most of our times. I’m trully blessed that I’ve met a guy like him that always supports me no matter how hard it is. Now that I’m thousand miles away from him, I can only hope that he’ll always be alright…

Living in a new environment; usually I’m so excited about that. But now it’s just different. Wish he could share this new experience with me…Now I can only hope that time will never stop running so that I can be there right by his side again…

Maybe it’s true when people say that nothing can kill you right through your heart but loneliness…But I believe that he and I are gonna get through this…

Anyway, journey’s still right on the track and here I am…

"I love you honey…Take care…"

Dear my love,

There’s so much to say juz to explain so many reasons why I do love you so…
But sometimes I don’t even have powers to spell the words…
So maybe this’s juz another way to make it easier for me to answer your question, dear…

But dear, after all those times we’ve passed and so many moments we’ve shared, the question is, how can I not love you…?
Juz like what I’ve ever said, you’re the one who’s been the air that I breathe…
You’re the one who’s been the melody of my days…
And you’re the one who’s been my every heart beat…
And I couldn’t even imagine how it would be, life without you as the air that keeps me alive…

Anyways…Maybe some friends of mine say that we’re the oddest couple, but I find myself in peace, comfort and warmth when I’m there, in your arms…
Maybe others say that we can make it coz we have so many things in common, but in fact I’ve found and learned so many new wonderful things in you…
Others also say that as a couple we have to match and fill to one another, but I juz feel free to be the real me when I’m with you…
You’re the one who makes me cry when I can make you smile…
You’re the one who makes me happy when I devote my heart and never even dare to ask in return…
And you’re the one who I want to spend my life with…

After all…Despites of all those reasons I’ve written above, I juz wanna say that I want to love you as you do, juz like the way you are, and straightly from my deepest heart, coz I do love, need, want, and miss you so, dear…

:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

"I want to love you simply juz like words the woods can’t say to the fire that changed it into ash, and I want to love you simply juz like signal the clouds can’t send to the rain that made it disappear…"
( quoted from Sapardi Djoko Damono )

=== dedicated to the one I love, Dicky Jatnika ===

I often see some people who underestimate others just because of their unfair-born-faces or body. Hey…Stop it…!!! Don’t you know that it’s not their faults born by unpretty face…??? Don’t you just realize that we can’t ask to be born with a beautiful face to God..??? And don’t you ever concern about their feelings if you do underestimate them, or even worst, think that they’re not exist…???

It’s not fair. While all feminists in this entire world talk about their equality campaign, there’s still someone who’s treatened just like nobody.

Now, one very very big question is, does an outlook really matter for someone to get along with others…??? I think I’ve talked about inner beauty in my previous post. Just like what I’ve said, one’s not only valued by their look. There’s inner beauty that can’t be formed by any plastic surgery.

But, if you’re the one who thinks that you’re not gonna make it with that inner beauty, just listen to me now. Everybody can be beautiful. Every ugly duck has the same right to transform herself to be that lovely swan. Yes it’s true. Everyone has the same right to beautify herself. You can do anything you want. And you know what, don’t you ever think that if you’re born with that unfair look, it means that you can never look beautiful. Hey…come on…Everybody’s born beautiful in her own way…!!! Besides, there’s make-up stuff everywhere…!!! At least, use them to appreciate yourself by being as beautiful as you can afford with those stuff. At least,  you can realize that you can also be charming. Try to recognize your own face, its pluses and minuses, do your best then show them all that you can be gorgeous.

If you don’t believe in what I’ve just said, okay…I got to tell you that I was not beautiful. Yes it’s true. What can you expect from a 10 year-old girl with those nerd glasses around her eyes…??? Yep, I was that ugly duck. Luckily, I have lots of friends and siblings who can accept me just the way I am. And lucky me, I have some "beauty consultants" (which is my own friends, hehehe…) surround me. But hey, forget it. What I’m trying to say now is, take a look at me now. With some changes in glasses and make-up, I’m not that ugly duck anymore (though you can’t also say that I’m a lovely swan, hehehe…). But at least, I can show to all that people can change their look if they want to. And the most important thing is, consider it as the way to appreciate yourself. Who would love ourselves if we don’t do that, aight…???

Okay…I think it’s enough for the bullshits of the day, hehehe… But anyways, in case when you need suggestion to beautify yourself, I’ll be available to share, hehehe…

Let’s beautify the world…!!!

Have you ever noticed that a little prayer can change your days, and even your life…??? Yes I have.

Somebody grant me that little prayer in this early year of 2006. It was sent in a very short message. Simple. Just a couple of words that wish me to have a great life filled by so much smile and happiness.

But hey…Take a look at me. Now March is starting and I haven’t been trapped in any sadness even for one second…!!! Wow…Nice works. Thanks to him for granting me that little prayer

Now I’ve just realized. No matter how short the prayer is, as long as you say it directly from your deepest hope, I’m definitely sure it will come along to your way directly too.

Have a nice try

I hate my hair…..!!!

I want my previous long hair back…..!!!

Hwaaaaaaaaaaa……!!!

I’m just thinking that I’ve lost my capability in speaking lately. Especially in speaking English…!!! God…What happend on me…???

I know I tend lo love writing, so much better than speaking. I can say anything in writing, but not speaking…!!! Words come easily when I write but not when I speak…!!! So many words in my mind but I can’t express it through my tongue…!!! Hiks…I don’t even have a sparing partner to practice it every day. Hmm…Maybe I should think about my friend’s suggestion to take a conversation class…

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh…!!!

Hmm…I know it’s so damn late to talk about new year. But…it’s never too late if we talk bout wishes, aight???

So…What have you done to yourself in this upcoming new scene of life? Have you been well prepared? Honestly I can’t answer it if I were the one who’s being asked. Usually I make a caleidoscope every year, just to show myself what I’ve been doing wrong and which part I’ve been succeed. But now I feel it’s not that important to look back to my past. I used to be a girl who lives in memoirs, but now I think I have to wake up and throw my past away.

Okay…Now let’s talk bout this year’s wishes. Yup, it’s better called wishes than plans. Plan makes us tend to do extra efforts to achieve it, even the illegal one. But not wishes. Wish is a wish. We shouldn’t be worried coz it’s not a must to achieve.

My only wish for this year is just….a settlement. Settle. It’s a simple word. But it doesn’t mean as simple as its spelling. Settle means stable. Stable means…Okay, forget it. I’m just wishing to settle in all aspects of life. Settle in personality, means that wish I could maintain my words, attitude, and emotion, better than before. Settle in relationship with others, means that wish I could have so many true friends indeed, just because of my well "services" as a true friend. Settle in carreer, means that wish I could find a job that suits me in all aspects. And finally settle in love, means that………………….wish I could find my husband-gonna-be, ASAP, hueheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……………………

You know that I’ve got so much leisure time since I don’t have a job. I was very excited coz I rarely have a chance to go anywhere I want. So I used this chance to travel anywhere the wind blows, hehehe…

After spending so much time, money, and brain following some job test in Jakarta, I decided to go to Buitenzorg (now to be well-known as Bogor the city of rain, hehehe…). I visited my oldest sister there. Nice to know that I have a little part of my big happy family here…

After having so much fun with my friend, nephews, and my siblings here, I decided to go to Bandung, Paris Van Java. And that must be the right time for me to go there coz I met so much fun there…!!! Starting from going to any place I’ve never been…Gathering with my old friends…Tasting any food that’s totally new for me…It’s all bout fun…!!! But…there’s one thing that I couldn’t do though I really want to…I couldn’t meet someone there…He was special to me. He used to lighten up my nights and days. And in fact he’s still that special to me now…

Hmm…But that’s okay…I believe that our paths will find their way someday…

(If only He wants us to be like that…Huehehee…)

Do you know what’s the meaning of "public opinion"…??? When people tend to believe what they heard, saw, or discovered, without asking any confirmation to the one who’s been the object, and make any statement that’s believed as valid as reality by some group of people, they’ve been succeeded in making a public opinion.

Well…Actually, when we’re talking bout public opinion, it’s only bout liked and disliked matters, not more. Anywhere, anytime, there must be some people who like the other, and vice versa. Sometimes there are things some people did that can be the hot news for them to discuss as a "topic of the day" at their lunchtime. Despites of it’s reflecting that they’re popular, sometimes we juz can’t get enough by hearing what people talk and do believe bout the other.

So how bout if we’re that object? How bout if we’re that guy they’re talking about? How bout if we’re the topic of the day of their lunchtime? How bout if they believe that we’re blah…blah…blah…coz we do blah…blah…blah…? How bout if people make some judgements bout us?

Well…I can only say that we only have to keep silent. Don’t ever make any statements to affirm or even to against what people think bout us. Though we only want to make it clear, it will sound like we’re launching any defense. So it’d be better if we face it with smile, and let them discover the whole things by themselves. If we’re not that bad like they believe, we don’t have to worry, aight…???

Here I am.

Facing juz another good bye.

I’m 23 years old and I’ve got so many good bye times in my whole life.

That’s why I’ve never been able to cope with juz another good bye.

Funny.

There’s nothing surround me. Empty. I thought it was only me who’s feeling like this. Coz there’s nothing wrong when I saw everyone surround me. Everyone’s happy. Everything’s juz alright. At least for them (if I can only say that)…

I tried to take a look at myself. Gee…who’s this??? Is it me??? I thought I couldn’t recognize my own self now…

There’s so much thing that’s happening on me at the same time lately. I couldn’t even decide whether I should laugh or cry. Coz it’s juz that fast. The second when I got a bad luck was juz that second when I got the good one also…

I supposed to thank God, but…It’s juz that hard.

I’m lost now…

Everything’s changing that fast and I don’t have enough time to learn bout this.

Everything’s new and I don’t have enough couragious to understand bout that.

I’m lost now…

New people come in a rush and stay somewhere in the corner of my brain. Old people go that fast and stay somewhere in my mind.

So what should I do with them??? Then where are they who used to be placed somewhere in this unperfect heart???

I’m lost now…

I remember that once I asked God to remind me for all the thing that’s happening on me, they shouldn’t have made me far from Him…

Hope it was the right one…

And hope He would juz listen to it for a second…

Amien…

================================================================

So many nights I’d sit by my window
Waiting for someone to sing me his song
So many dreams I kept deep inside me
Alone in the dark but now you’ve come along

And you light up my life
You give me hope to carry on
You light up my days
And fill my nights with song

Rollin’ at sea adrift on the waters
Could it be finally I’m turning for home
Finally a chance to say, "Hey, I Love You"
Never again to be all alone

(You Light Up My Life - LeAnn Rimes)

================================================================

Mmm…Okay…Firstable, I want to say that maybe this is the only way to let you know what I’ve been thinking lately. You know that it’s impossible to talk bout this directly, no way, I couldn’t even imagine how stupid I’d be looked like if I say all these things to you directly, hahaha…Besides, I’m here and you’re 50 miles away from me. Let’s say that this is a public confession that I make in order to respect you as a friend of mine and of course, as a lady.

Okay…Let’s make it short by the way. I juz want to apologize for all the things I’ve done (or even said) to you that (probably) have made you sad, mad, upset, or even cry…Believe me, I never meant to do that. In fact that I don’t even realize that I’ve hurt you (even so bad, maybe).

I met you once in a one fine day. You’re beautiful, that’s my very first thought when I saw you. You came to my boarding house with him. He used to be my boyfriend, yes, that’s true. And all the things’ juz gone wrong from there. I know that you and him are having a relationship and I know it’s a deep one. The problem is, he was one of my very best companions I ever had, and I know that he feels the same way too, that I was one of his best. I know that it still remains, and I know that it will be a big trouble when it comes over your relationship. But one thing you have to know, we never ask to have it. It came along naturally and we never even realize that it exists until you showed us that it has bothered you…

Once he told me that you cried and it’s all because of me…He stated something publicly that I’m the one who has changed his point of view in having a relationship. Implicitely, he said that he could never forget every single step of our journey in the past and surely, it has succesfully made you mad…Okay…So what do I suppose to do…??? He only tried to be honest to describe the “me” he’s ever known, is it wrong…???

I do understand if you feel a bit jealous to all his words, but…it’s only words…!!! In fact that he’s totally yours now and you don’t have to be afraid of losing him because of me…Once again, I do understand if you have this jealousy, it’s normal. But please take a look at the fact that there’s nothing between me and him now…We’re only the part of our past time, that’s it…And it’s impossible for us to be back as we used to be coz there’s no love between us that’s stronger than that one that you have with him…

We’ve already grown up, mam. The only thing you have to do now is juz ensuring yourself that he’s totally yours. Coz it’s true, you’re the winner, you’re the one…!!! You don’t have to worry about your relationship coz in fact there’s nothing to worry. Besides, both of you live happily 50 miles away from me, so what can you expect from it…?

Okay…I think that’s enough…Hhh…I feel much better now…Thanks God…Hehehe…

Once again, I do apologize for all those things above…One thing’s for sure, both of you can live and love happily as you wish, surely you can, without this “me” between you and him…Trust me…

Thanks God…for guiding me once again to meet this holy month…

Hope this would be a fully-blessed moment to all of us…

I would also apologize for all the things I’ve said and done…

Have a great fasting month…!!!

^.^

Finally I’ve met my 23rd year watching this colourful world…Well…So many things I’ve passed. Waw…I couldn’t even paint them in couple of words. Coz juz like what I’ve said, they were juz happening on my past. I’ve passed them, I’ve left them, and no need to get them back (though I really wish to get them back sometimes)…

So now…What will I set from this moment on…??? That’s a very good question…So hard to answer it. I need much more time to think before I could give a brief final answer. But I’ve pointed out some lines that, maybe, I should pay so much more attention to it.

Firstable, I still lack of sense of grateful to anything I’ve got, achieved, gained, or had. Well…If I want to say an excuse that I’m only a human that never meets that word : satisfied, it could be. Very makes sense. But when will I start to realize that I can’t have everything…??? Life’s a choice, and I can’t have them all…The only thing I can do is juz to thank God for blessing me these much…Yeah…Maybe that would be my very first point in my have-to-do-list…Start from now on…And no excuse, please…!!!

The second point is, I still have an obligation to learn. Learn everything. So much lessons out there that haven’t catched by my naked heart and brain. Well…I think I have to thank God for blessing me these very “rich” surroundings to learn so far…I’d never be like what I am today if I was not there…

The third one, it’s all bout maintaining my relationships with others. I know I’ve got a problem with ego and others’ appreciation. I juz want everything to be respected as it does, I want everything to be appreciated as it has to be, that’s it. Unfortunately, my point of view doesn’t meet others’ want mostly.
Well…I think I have to learn to compromise from now on if I don’t wanna lose some more friends, hihihi…

Okay…then what’s next…??? To be a real woman…??? Hmm…It totally depends on you how to describe this “real woman”, but I think I have to start to think bout this issue. I don’t cook, I don’t sew, I don’t do anything that another woman can do. So what the heck am I…?!! Actually I never meant to ignore my essence of being a woman. In fact that I’m trully happy born as a female. It’s juz…maybe I haven’t found the willingness itself yet…Yeah…Something has to come up first to inspire me…Hehehe…But let’s see…I’m quite sure that someday I could be that “real woman”…

Hhh…that’s it…Enough for these bullshits of the day…My fingers have been tired and my brain have been dried…I’ll see you later in another theme, k…??? Oh, I forgot something important…Thanks God… ~.^

Believe it or not, every year I always make a list for those 30 first people who send me birthday wishes. Hihihi…Sounds more than a little crazy, doesn’t it…??? Actually I don’t even know what my exact purpose in doing this madness. But it’s fun, really So…in my 23rd birthday this year, who’re those lucky guys…??? Juz check this out…Hopefully you can find your name written there…Hehehe…

1. Jowo
2. Bang Roni
3. Icank
4. My parents
5. Dody
6. Ayunk
7. Anggun
8. Awie
9. Guruh
10. Dian Apsari
11. Okta
12. Cino
13. Rani
14. Mas Husni & the whole family
15. Endra
16. Bu Evie
17. Moro
18. Ipank
19. Diana
20. Mba Yanti & the whole family
21. Yudis
22. Arina
23. Dian Sopran
24. Bu Helly
25. PDC
26. Gary
27. Julie
28. Menik
29. Oom Ujang
30. Ardinata

So…Found your name on it…??? No…??? Have you checked it once again…??? Nope…??? Nothing…??? Oh…that’s too bad…Wish you’d be luckier next year (if only I’m still alive)…Huehehee… ^-^

Hi…It’s me again…!!! Good to be back…Starting to write after those long empty spaces…Well…I’ve juz realized that I’ve been “hiding” for a moment…Not gonna tell you bout all histories behind this recest, but…as usual, I’ve got a story to share with you all, guys.

Almost more than 2 weeks ago, on September 17th 2005, I was in Semarang, a lovely little town that used to be my best place to learn about life at least for 4 years. I was there to attend the most expectable moment for me as the alumnee of Diponegoro University Choir, the concert. It was the fourth season of Diponegoro Choir Concert. The concert itself took a tittle “Charity In Harmony”, which is held in the essence of caring and helping others through a joyful entertaining choir performance. I think I gotta give my 4 thumbs up for it. Every single aspect starting from choir itself, theme, songs, conductors, solists, coreo, costumes, stage, lighting, orchestra, backstage team, dancers, collaboration with “UKM Jawa”, was juz so new and fresh. And it’s done well, very much well. After those much sacrifies, finally they made it. Congratz to all of parties who’s been involved to make this “dream” come true. I was so proud, I’m proudly proud, and I’ll always be proud to be part of this big-happy-family, PSM Undip… :”)

And happiness wasn’t juz around the corner. In the end of the concert, I found myself in a trully non-stoppable tears. No, I was not sad. That was for my undescribable happiness. My heart was so full of joy. My tears sang happily for me. And my soul danced cheerfully. I was so happy to be there…To be among people that I love…who love me…who need me…who miss me…who never ask anything in return…God I love them so much…One thing I can’t find in my surrounding now is juz that much…That’s why I always feel that I belong there, among those warm people, and not in here…

It was 2 days before my birthday and I was grant a most wonderful gift like that…Thanks God…I wouldn’t care if this whole world forgot to say any birthday wishes coz it’s enough…Much more enough for me…Coz I’ve got my most wonderful gift on that day…A bless that I still had a chance to see the most precious people like them…And nothing I wanted more…

Thanks God…

(S)he’s out of my life……….
(S)he’s out of my life
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
I don’t know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
(S)he’s out of my life……….

= She’s Out Of My Life - Josh Groban =

There’re still few couples of days before my birthday, but there’re some people who have given me birthday wishes in advance. Nothing’s special with this. It happened several times, actually. But for this year…well…I think…I should take a deep breath for it…It’s juz…little bit weird, huh…??? Knowing that I’m not that special for some people who are considered that special (by me) as well juz to be remembered…But that’s okay…In fact they’ve showed me their willingness to try to remember it, aight…??? Hehehe…sounds like I’m entertaining myself with those words…But I’m really juz alright, really. I do appreciate it. Thanks… :”)

Hmm…One week to go to Diponegoro University Choir Concert…Can’t hardly wait to be there…!!! It’s not the concert that I really look forward actually, hehehe. But…I really long for all of my old friends who used to be united in this Choir…!!!
Many things we’ve had when we’re under that old same roof…Learning do-re-mi…Reading the parts…Creating coreo…Discussing performance…Preparing events…Crying for the joy…Laughing for the pain…Hugging for the glory…Yelling for the triumph…Together in harmony…God…Miss them so much…Hiks…
Now we’re all having our own path. When we meet next week, maybe it won’t be like what we used to be. But that’s okay…We’re not living in memoirs, aight…??? It’s juz…Let’s make this moment as precious as it does…Then we’re all in harmony and peace…Juz like the way it is…!!! :”)

It happened on my last long tiring week which turned to be juz fine at the end. Last week, I thought that I was the only poor jerk left in this whole world. I really mean it. Everybody had enough “shocking” times when they’re besides me. No wonder there was no one could stand besides me any longer than 5 minutes at that time…Huehehe…Sorry, guys…It’s juz…I really did not need your words. Juz like what I’ve said in a BB post, I needed a big “hug”. That’s all I needed at that moment.
Well…not gonna tell you the exact problems, but…one thing I wanna underline here is…I used to see life in a strange way. I used to push myself too hard to seize my hopes. I used to force all of my energy to see a little me in progress. That’s why I could never accept being disappointed by myself. I’d be so down when I see myself in a stagnant phase and I’d feel as if I’m the only one who’s left behind. Hmm…I think that’s one of my tons of minuses as being a Virgo : perfectionist, hehehe…But I have to admit that sometimes we do have to be perfectionist.
Hey, forget it. I don’t wanna talk bout it right now. Okay, let’s make it short.
In the end of my last most horrible week, suddenly my siblings and some of my beloved old friends show up one by one in a very graceful way that I’ve never imagined this could be happened. They appeared one by one juz to let me know that they’re there for me…!!! They’re there to let me know that I was not the only one…That I was not the most miserable poor jerk in this whole world…That I was so much luckier than so many people from all over the world…That I was so much happier than anyone to be disappointed by myself…That I was so much worthier, so much more than I ever knew…In fact, they’ve saved my heart from falling…
Thanks, guys…for appearing in these such very unexpectable wonderful ways…
And thanks, God…for blessing me these extraordinary people and surroundings besides me…
I really mean it…

God…may I ask You one thing…???
Was I meant to feel these…???
If I was…I’d be glad to let these tears pour in my whole life…
Thanks God…

So many words to describe you as a friend. Someone to accompany…Somebody to talk to…The one to lean on…Another heart to trust…Another ears to share…Even another eyes to see what I don’t see…

So many years have passed since I had you as a friend. Some years filled by adjustments…Few years coloured by togetherness…Even a year clashed by arguments…

So many things we’ve had to consider you as a friend. I sing what you sing, you’d do it too…You care what I care, I’d do it too…I believe what you believe, you’d do it too…Even you pray what I pray, I’d do it too…

So many bumps we’ve met till I could call you as a friend. Our perfect times laughing on our goals…Our precious times crying on our paths…Even our great times mocking on our own stupidity…

So many crushes we’ve got but I still name you as a friend. So many business we’ve dealed but I still mention you as a friend. So many hurts we’ve felt but I still long for your smile as a friend…

For whatever we’ve done…Whatever we’ve passed…Whatever we’ve got…

However…

You’re still a friend of mine…

===================================================================

Dedicated to all my friends…In whatever…whoever…and wherever you are…

COMING SOON

The third season of Diponegoro University Choir Concert :

"Charity in Harmony"

Saturday, September 17th 2005

RRI Auditorium

Jl. Jend. A. Yani 144, Semarang

19:00 p.m.

TICKETS :

VIP Rp 50.000,00

1st Class Rp 30.000,00

Festival Rp 15.000,00

Contact Person :

Agus 08164885860

Fery 081575298820

Dian 081326232224

=========================================================================

To all the alumnees, members, ex-members, choir’s lovers, please make sure that you’ll be on charge to be part of it…Be there…!!!

Yep, yesterday on August 17th 2005, Indonesia celebrated its 60th years of independency. For humanbeing, it’s mature enough to be considered as an adult. But in this context, it would probably mean a baby developing country with so much homeworks to deal with.
But stop talking bout that. I’d never want to talk bout politics anyways. I juz wanna take few steps back to…let’s say…seven or eight years ago, when I was still in a senior high.
I was a member of PASUS at that time. PASUS stands for “Pasukan Khusus”, an extracurricular organization held to deal with some special events such as weekly routine “Upacara Bendera” (damned…I couldn’t find what it’s called in English…is it “Ceremony”…??? hihihi…sounds so strange…so keep it juz like that, ok? hehehe…), and any other special occassions that were dealed with discipline and leadership matters. Unfortunately, we - the PASUS members - sometimes were considered as an exclusive group of rude, synical, arrogant, tyrann people, who didn’t want to adjust with other’s rules, and who built a people force who didn’t ever want to be defeated by any other strength. What a very wrong judgement…In fact that there’s so much things we could learn from it; discipline, leadership, physical and mental strength, self confidence, nationalism, obedience, and even the human relationship among others…!!! See…??? It’s not negative…at all…Even it was the greatest place to learn, I think…
Thanks to PASUS for shaping me juz like this…I’m so proud being a little part of you…
Ok, stop memorizing. Actually I juz wanna tell you a little story about my experience to be someone who’s in charged for raising the national flag during Indonesia’s Independence Day Ceremony. Yeah…when I watched the live report on TV about “Upacara Bendera” at “Istana Negara” yesterday, suddenly I was sailing into last 7 years memory when I was at the “Pasukan Delapan”, eight people who’re in charged and honored to raise the flag. It was great, you know…Though I juz took part in my school area, it had been an honor to be a part of that “Pasukan Khusus” who got that special duty. But don’t ask me bout the preparation. It took us a long tiring month juz to be perfect…!!! Though our skin became so tan under the sun, though our feet were forced to keep standing all day long, though our cheeks were slapped sometimes (if only we’re not discipline), we’re still there…!!! A non-sense undescribable motive…juz to recall the duty. Or maybe…nationalism…??? I don’t know…All I know is juz that’s the only motive that we, the current youth, juz don’t have…
Ok…Maybe I was wrong with this but I’m sure, nationalism becomes so strange in our ears nowadays…
So who’s gonna be blamed…..???

Dearest, My Lord…

I’m writing this by whispering Your name…
Hope You’d forgive me due to my previous handwriting about what I want my husband to be…

My Highness…I didn’t mean to command You…You’re the one who can command me. Now I have to say that I wrote my previous article in terms of thought of a humanbeing who’s searching for the best. Finding the soulmate, it’s the main clause. While I’m thinking of what’s best for me, I think that it must be the best for You too. But how could I know that he’s the one? All I know is juz…You’ve prepared the best one for me…And I can feel that he’s not him…or him…or him…or him…or him…He might be somebody else…from somewhere else I’ve never thought…I could only pray that he might be the one like I want him to be…And I could only hope that it’s juz the same as You want him to be…

My Lord…I know life is an option. You’ve prepared the alternatives, and You let me choose. I know that You want me to have the best. So now I could only pray that You’d guide me to choose the right one…that You’d show me the best option…

My Gracest Lord…Somebody once told me that we might have a mate who’s gonna be more like us, not less, but it could be even more. That’s why I’ve put my hope to up above…And pray that Your wish is juz that high…

My Highness…I don’t mean to be picky. But please warn me whenever I’m lost…Coz as a humanbeing, I could only follow my heart…that’s hopefully moved by Your guidance…And now I could only give it all up to You…Coz I’m trully Yours…And I’m sure that You know better…

No, You know best…..

I watched the “Bride and Prejudice” movie yesterday. I know I was a little bit late watching it, but that’s not our topic today. What I’m gonna tell you here is that I was very interested in a scene when Lalita, the second daughter of Bakshi’s (Indian family), is set to marry Mr.Kholi, a rich Indian guy working overseas. Lalita isn’t happy with this coz she’s a smart and modern girl, and she wants everyone to respect her as she is. She wants to choose her own groom. She againsts most Indian thought about what a wife means. She doesn’t want to be inferior. She doesn’t want any men to command her as he likes. And here is some lyrics that I quoted from the scene when Lalita sings her feelings to her sisters :

I don’t want a man who ties me down

Who does what he wants while I hang around

I don’t want a man who’s crude and loud

Who wants a pretty wife to make him proud

I don’t want a man who can’t be funny

Who tells tall tales about making money

I don’t want a man who’ll grab the best seat

Who can’t close his mouth when he starts to eat

I don’t want a man who likes to drink

Who leaves his dirty dishes in the sink

I don’t want a man who wants his mummy

A balding pest with too much tummy

I don’t want a man who’s dead in the head

Wow…that’s a so-so-brave statement from an Indian girl that as we know, always ruled by the norms and customs. And watch this one, the bravier statements as she sings in the next scene :

I want a man with real soul

Who wants equality and not control

I want a man who’s good and smart

A really sharp mind and a very big heart

I want a man who’s not scared to weep

To hold me close when we’re asleep

I want a man who loves romance

Will clear the floor and ask me to dance

I want a man who gives some back

Who talks to me and not my rack

I want a man whose spirit is free

Will hold my hand, walk the world with me

Hmm…that’s so sweet…I think I’m gonna stand for her statements strongly. Yeah…that’s all what woman wants from her husband-wanna-be. But…I think I’d love to add some more “qualifications” for myself then…Here they are…

I want a man who leads me five times a day…

Who guides me to read and understand His commands…

Who shows me the right paths to be loved by Him…

Who reminds me that we’re only daydreamers in this dreamland…

Who pulls me back when I go wrong…

Who sings me His Words when I give a birth…

Who thankfully and happily cries as he whispers “adzan” to my own born children…

Who’s a loving and caring father to our little “sholeh and sholeha”…

Who covers me when I get ill…

Who loves me less and loves Him more…

Who loves me…because of Him…

Amien…

Yesterday, I got three shocking news in a day.
I got the first one early in the morning as I arrived at my office. The news told me that one of the best music tutors in my office, The British International School Jakarta - and even one of the best cello players Indonesia has ever had - Sulistyo Utomo, rested in peace on Sunday, August 7th 2005, due to cancer desease.
The second one came from the student of The British International School Jakarta. Karen Reijsenbach De Haan, a Year 8 student, passed away at her home in Netherland, due to high fever. Though I don’t know her well, still, this news influenced me as one of the staff here.
The last news, and the most shocking news of the day, came from my mother…She told me that my trully lovely beloved hamsters, Milky and Witty, died, eaten by the ugly cat…!!! Hwaaaaaaa…!!! I used to love cats but now I hate them so much…!!! Hiks…!!!
What a day……….
Hhh…Well…All I can do now is only pray for them as a last condolence from my deepest heart…
Hope this would be a very nice “beginning” for them…
Amien…..

You laugh, you learn

You love, you learn

You cry, you learn

You lose, you learn

You bleed, you learn

You scream, you learn

You grieve, you learn

You choke, you learn

You choose, you learn

You pray, you learn

You ask, you learn

= Alanis Morisette =

Never realized that it’s been 3 months since I felt your touch…Now here I am…shaking…trembling…lonely…cold…hopeless…
Wish I could make this as a rainbow dove…As a path to lead our way to make our dreams come true…
Sometimes it’s strange, you know…Leaving by your side only makes me feel captured…But now I need you, Mom…To hold me when I’m down…To wipe my tears when I cry…To sing to me when I’m dreaming…To pull me out from the edge of darkness…To guide me when I go wild…To cover me when I go wrong…To protect me when I go insane…
Wait for me, Mom…I’m going home…soon…..

Love,
Your Dearest

Well…First, I’m gonna underline the title above. “Wanna know him/her more? Date his/her friends…”. Do you guys know exactly what I mean…?
Sometimes, you have no idea bout someone’s character. Indeed, you have to know so much more bout this guy. So what do you have to do? Ask him/her straightly bout his/her personality??? Having a long tiring debate and arguing until the edge of mind juz to know his/her way of thinking??? Ask his/her opinion bout everything juz to know his/her taste??? Hmm…nope. Definitely, those aren’t the exact ways to know someone better.
Actually, there’s an easy way to give you a brief resume bout someone. Juz look at his/her friends. Analyze their habbits, their way of speaking, their consideration on others, their way to express what they feel, and so much more. Surely, those may help you in finding who the hell he/she is. I’ve ever heard bout a phrase that says, “Our friends reflect ourselves”. Yep, I think that’s right. An “A” type person would possibly join an “A” type group, and a “Z” type person would possibly belong to “Z” type group also. It’s all because some people with the same interests, the same way of thinking, the same habbits, the same characters, even the same hobbies, will adjust easily one to another. Then look at his/her friends’ opinion bout him/her. If they vote in one line statement, they might be right, you can believe them. But if there’s only 1 to 5 personnel who stands for one statement, of course you have to look for another “second opinion”, don’t be blind.
Ok, maybe we can’t make the statement above as a prorate condition. Maybe we have to tend to consider it juz as a major. Coz in fact, there must be a difference in each person. But at least, it may help us to “read” a little bit of someone’s line. Juz look at his/her friends, analyze them, ask them to say their opinion bout this guy, and pop…!!! It’s done…You don’t wanna judge a book by its cover, do you…???

Ever heard about that phrase? I’m sure you must’ve heard it. Size does matters. Hmm…Three simple words, but they have successfully affected so many aspects of one’s life. In this case, we totally talk about our physical and appearance matters, in general.

So tell me, what do you guys see first when you meet or see someone else? His/Her appearance? His/Her face? His/Her body size? Or maybe his muscles or her b**bs and a** (in extreme)? Then if you do see others from all those, so what’s the point? Big is beautiful? Or even vice versa? For those who stand for the first statement, that makes a little sense why phrase of "size does matters" occurs.

Okay, let me say something. However, we do love something beautiful. Of course, who can’t stand for something gorgeous? It’s a natural phase that all humanbeings have. As humanbeings, we always demand for everything on its best. It means, there’s balance, there’s portion, there’s harmony. From this background, we can conclude that something proportional is beautiful, and vice versa.

But now the point is…should it be a must…??? Should it be on the top of priorities upon our physical appearance matters…??? So now if we switch the statement "something proportional is beautiful" into "something beautiful is proportional", how bout those people who unfortunately don’t have that proportional stuffs…??? They can’t be beautiful…??? How silly…

One thing is for sure, everybody has a right to be beautiful and gorgeous. No matter what number of pants they wear, no matter what number of bras they fit, no matter what their sizes. And you know what? Size really doesn’t matters at all when you see others from deep inside their hearts…
So have a nice try…!!!

Yep…I met my "Prince Charming" last night. He’s not bold. He’s just…charming. No other words to describe how he looked like but…charming. With his straight black hair, his average body size, and his managed spoken and attitude, that’s the way he was.

But it really was a big nonsense scene ’cause I’ve never thought about this before. I’ve never also met him before. Who was he…??? I don’t know…Someone from my past…??? No…I’ve just seen him last night. Someone from my present…??? Definitely not. He’s just too good to be true. Someone from my future…??? Hmm…maybe.

Hihihi…Sounds more than a little crazy, doesn’t it…??? But I do not care. In fact that blossoms arouse right on my cheeks in the seconds when I stared straight back at him…

The only clue that I’ve got, he’s my senior with a born name of F***r. Is this it…??? Is it what they call a forecasted dejavu…??? I really got no idea ’cause there’s none of my seniors born in the name of it.

But just like I said, I really do not care. ‘Cause I’ve met him and I’ve fallen for him at once. I’m sure that I’d once find him in this really cruel superficial life, and fall for the second times…And of course, this time it wouldn’t be in my dreams…

Watch out, My Prince…I’d keep an eye of you from now on…In whatever, wherever, and whoever you are…..

Yesterday was my best friend’s wedding day. I was there to attend her invitation and, at least, to give her a little additional support on her big day.

My friend is 25 years-old and her groom is 5 years older, nice couple. No need to tell you bout how they met at first, but one thing is for sure, they’ve struggled a lot to make their love bounded in this wedding.

It was a nice small sacred ceremony. No party. Only a little celebration among families and friends, held in a villa at Puncak, Cisarua-Bogor. The bride looked beautiful in her wedding kebaya, as she entered the room. There, the groom sat nervously, stared at the approaching lovely bride…

The ceremony began in a sacred silence. As the groom said his promises - to love his bride with all his heart…to take care of his bride day and night…to remind each other in happiness and sorrows…to stick together for better or worse… - what a holy big brave side of a heart only could say that promises…What a holy sacred moment…My uninvited tears suddenly dropped as they’re finally stated as a husband and wife…

Congratulation, my dear friend…Finally you’ve made it…Hope this would be a very nice happy beginning for the both of you…to sail your upcoming new world…to walk your already bounded journey…and to reach your becoming true dreams…I’m wishing you all the best and I’m trully happy for you…
Congrats…!!!

—> Oops…I forgot something important : Remember to tell me how to do "it" at first…Huehehe…..

MISSING

Specifications:
- Male
- 24 years old on January 2005
- Capricorn
- Used to be my senior in senior high
- Used to be my brother in law wannabe
- Used to chat with me bout all kind of matters
- Used to make a phonecall to me 3 times a week juz to chat bout everything
- Used to go along with me to our hometown
- Used to call me "Miss I Know Everything" and "Miss Easy to Fall In Love"
- Has a cute face (as he says)
- Has an insomnia problem
- Likes Avril Lavigne so much
- Always bothers about his outlook and performance

To anyone who knows where he is, please let me know as soon as possible. I’ve lost contact with him since a month ago, and I don’t have any idea why he disappeared, where he’s been, or what he’s been doing. I’ve tried to reach him through his e-mail, his mobile phone, but there’s no answer. I’m just wondering how he’s doing now, ’cause I do care. Please contact me for further detail information.
Thanks a bunch.